I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
