the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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