i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
