its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
