I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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