I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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