I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
