I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
