i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
