Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
