Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize
