So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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