OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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