just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
