I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
someone threw a dead crab at me
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
