so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
