He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
