my sisters under your porch take her home
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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