Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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