My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
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