Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
