Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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