Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
