i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
