Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Did I show you my penis last night?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
