Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
