Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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