i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
try to milk me bitch
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