saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
