My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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