When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
