so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
