i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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