the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My day in three words: secret purse cake
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
