I just saw a hot homeless man
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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