What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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