I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
