I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
