when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I am one with the molecules
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
