I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
