and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
