playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
