Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
