Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
