Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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