Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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