i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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