I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
