Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
