You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The air was thick with penises
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
