I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
