I think im going to throw up on grandma
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
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